Thursday, February 14, 2008

Hallmark Holiday Bullshit

I think we all know that Valentine's Day is a money making vehicle created by greeting card companies in the mid 19th century taking inspiration from an actual Catholic Church holy day which has long since ceased to be recognized. It is notable primarily because it was the first known instance of a religious holy day being exploited to commercial ends. What an unholy, no pun intended, monster that particular trend has become., which I read every morning to angry up the blood and diminish my need for caffeine to make it through the day, has taken upon itself to list the "Top 10 'I Hate You' Songs of All Time". Of all time, mind you. Now, I may be pissing on somebody's party and not getting into the spirit of the joke, but this is exactly the kind of shit that infuriates me and caused me to start writing this blog in the first place. Let's look at their list:

1) The J. Geils Band - "Love Stinks". Could this idiotic song be more obvious? Or stupid? Let's put some thought in here, fellow "music journalists".

2) Def Leppard - "Love Bites". Def Leppard sucks ass. I don't care how many arms, legs, or members they lose and how admirable it makes them for soldiering on, it doesn't change the fact that their music is lowest common denominator pablum. This idiotic song, with its vague sexual innuendo, fits right in with their other crap.

3) Nazareth - "Love Hurts". I'll give 'em this one, all though it's not an "I Hate You" song - it's a broken hearted ballad. Not to mention the fact that The Everly Brothers recorded the definitive version of it first and Gram Parsons did an amazing cover of it. Nazareth sucked.

4) Kelly Clarkson - "The Trouble With Love Is". I don't even know who this is, so I'm going to assume it's modern day Nashville "country". All of that shit sucks. Feel free to comment if you think I'm wrong.

5) Alanis Morissette - "You Oughta Know". Another completely unoriginal and obvious choice. This woman's music was unlistenable, was created by a record label to take advantage of a current musical fad, and only made salable by including famous musicians such as Flea and others writing the music to turn this crap into something resembling radio friendly songs.

6) Maria McKee - "If Love Is a Red Dress (Hang Me in Rags)". Lone Justice was okay. When they broke up and Maria started trying to sing like Janis Joplin, well, need I go on?

7) Michael Bublé With Holly Palmer - "Down With Love". No fucking idea. None. But judging by the list so far I feel safe in assuming it's nauseating.

8) Tie: John Mayer - "I'm Gonna Find Another You", Beyoncé - "Irreplaceable". I've got nothing against John Mayer - he seems like a nice guy. That being said, white guys doing radio friendly mush-mouth "blues" are inexcusable. Beyonce' - I feel bad about trashing contemporary R&B because I'm so far outside it, but to me Ms. Knowles is nothing but a money tree that looks good in a tight dress. Aretha Franklin, The Supremes, - THAT was R&B.

9) The Dixie Chicks - "Hole in My Head". Closest thing on this list I can come to agreeing with. They're at least really talented musicians who know their way around hooky pop arrangements. I like their politics, too. Still, "Goodbye Earl" would have been a much better choice.

10) Adam Sandler - "Somebody Kill Me". Adam Sandler isn't a musician. He's a comedian. I don't care if he plays guitar and writes asinine songs. He's not a musician. He's a comedian. Not a very funny comedian either. Why the fuck is he on this list at all?

Now that I've trashed MSN's list here's an incomplete one of my own. I won't be providing much in the way of explanation - if you know the songs none is necessary. I'm sure my list will elicit as much bile from readers as the MSN list did from me. I don't care. Go write your own blog about what a humorless shit I am.

1) Lefty Frizzell - "The Long Black Veil". Are you kidding? This got left off?

2) The Meatmen - "What's This Shit Called Love?". Subtle? No. Effective? Hell, yes.

3) The Cure - Tie - "The Figurehead", "Last Dance". Obviously there are a ton more from this band, but I can't list them all.

4) The Smiths - "Never Had No One Ever". Again, there are countless candidates from this band, almost all of them brilliant and mordantly humorous.

5) Giant Drag - "This Isn't It". Is GD a flash in the pan? Maybe. Still a great fucking song.

6) Alejandro Escovedo - "Follow You Down". Happy, sad, or somewhere in between, Alejandro doesn't write bad songs. His broken hearted ones are the best.

7) Big Star - "Holocaust". C'mon, Jeeves. It doesn't get any bleaker than this.

8) Dinosaur Jr. - "The Post". Ever fucked up a relationship? This is your story.

9) Gram Parsons - "$1000 Dollar Wedding". This one speaks for itself.

10) New Folk Implosion - "Releast". One of Lou Barlow's finest sets of angry, broken-hearted lyrics.

I could keep going, but I'm at work and have actual work to do. Any one of the songs on my list could swallow all ten of the ones on MSN's list whole and shit out nothing but bones.

There's my sanctimonious two cents, from my keyboard to St. Valentine's ear. Now go get your girlie or boy toy some chocolate covered strawberries and have fun in the sack tonight.


leigh said...

nicely done.

in lieu of valentines day, i celebrate inappropriate card day. send a random card that has absolutely no meaning to the recipient. for example,
"congratulations on becoming a man. happy bar mitzvah!"

happy inappropriate card day!

MiseryCreek said...

Better yet, mildly offensive random card day. Something subtle. Should they be angry or amused? The next time you see them act like you don't know what they're talking about if they bring it up. You can also keep money out of the bloodsucking fangs of the greeting card companies by making the cards yourself. This would add a whole new level of confusion on the part of the recipient. "They spent so much time on this. Do they really like me and think this is funny or do they really hate me?" The possibilities are literally almost limetless.